zookeeper-mauling

present participle. Tearing, mutilating, and chewing up a kindly caretaker of animals.

Real citation: "Watch the Zookeeper-Mauling Polar Bear Get Euthanized."
("America's Best Zoo Exhibits, The Onion, Vol. 39, Issue 34, Sept. 4-10, 2003)

Made-up citation: "I'm trying very hard to cut down on my bad habits, like fingernail-chewing, cigar-smoking, pet-eating, and zookeeper-mauling."